2016 Oct 19
The craziest, bumpiest and most annoying ride you could ever take in Sri Lanka is a bus ride; an experience on Sri Lankan roads with such a blend of hilarity and frustration. With the music speakers or the TV blaring out some of our age old bailas or a melancholy song, whining of love failure and pain, you have to sit (or stand, depending on seat availability) and observe all the great characters you are likely to share bus space with.
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The Maniac Driver
It’s as if they think they are pilots and rather than driving a big, bulky bus, they seemingly assume they are flying a plane. Apparently, the driver is deluded into thinking that speeding and competing on the busy roads, crammed with other rule-breaking drivers is his birthright.
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The Rude Conductor
Oh, yes, the conductor, of course. He is the one running the show and the one who can literally scare you enough to jostle you along the packed crowd. But if you are unfortunate enough to get into a bus that has a rude conductor, who will not have enough patience as you climb aboard, pay, walk on the aisle and until you get off the bus. He will keep yelling, “Ikmankaranna, ikmankaranna.” Or worse, he will forget to give you change AND tell you off for not carrying change for the bus fare.
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The Stench
Ever wondered where that pungent smell was coming from and found yourself beside someone who seemed to have never heard of a deodorant before? You know, that guy who borders on being a human skunk? Do you even bathe bro?
- The Intoxicated One
Ok, definitely drunk. He sits beside you, dazed with bloodshot eyes, staring into oblivion and wondering what to do next. That is, if you are lucky. Worse case scenarios involve the ol’ chap stumbling and falling on you or uttering obscene comments.
- The One-Stop Passenger
Plenty of them are trying to sell you a woeful tale, with the accompaniment of a few tragic pictures to raise a few bucks. Ask them whether you can help them in a more meaningful way and they scatter away in fright of being caught. But some try to sell merchandise to make a quick earning before the bus pulls off. Camphor, incense sticks, milk toffee and children’s books are what they try to convince you to buy. Some also entertain you with a song or by playing a musical instrument. Well, it’s purely up to you to decide who is worth being paid and not but the ones who put in an honest effort are quite deserving.
- The Groper
The nightmare of most of the women using Lankan buses as their basic mode of transport. No matter the age, they will find some way to prod and feel your skin, knowing very well many will remain silent either due to embarrassment or fear. Alas, that won’t be so if he rubs himself on the wrong lady, someone who just won’t put up with such nonsense. She will create such a racket requiring the intervention of the conductor to restore calm.
However, women aren’t the only victims of getting groped. An increasing number of men find themselves falling prey to these psychos, and the fear in their eyes is sometimes nowhere near to what you see in women!
- The Seat Protector
Looks very capable and fit but no way is this person going to sacrifice his treasure of a seat to another person in need, such as an old, fragile, disabled passenger or a pregnant lady.
- The Gossip Network
Personally, this is the worst, especially if the heat, rush and lack of space to breathe is already suffocating you. A couple of aunties or some other pair of hell-on-earth species decide that this is the ideal time to catch on some juicy gossip and banter, ensuring that everyone on the bus knows that Chuti and Raji have been carrying on for 5 years, are pregnant and not even married!
- The Space Claimer
The man who claims too much space than what he necessarily needs. He spreads his legs, from north to south and takes up three-quarters of the seat. Can you scoot over, please?
- The Human Loud Speaker
He or she is super important, and the caller can’t get off the line despite the thunderous sounds and the blaring horns. No, the phone conversation continues uninterrupted and the whole bus hears it.
- The Lady with the Frizzy, Tug-able hair
Found yourself sandwiched between the crowd with hardly any space to hold on, and the only available option is the handle over the headrest of the seats? But the seat has a lady occupant whose hair has completely obscured the handle and you either have to push it out of the way or grip the handle over her hair, which in turn makes her turn around and give you the death stare, because you are apparently the devil’s spawn? Awkward.
- The Lovebirds
PDA, whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears and erupting in giggles, and exchanging quick lovey dovey stares. This duo has no concern or mercy over the common folk traveling with them.
- The Starer
Yeah, I’m talking about that stare. There is always this highly intrigued person who can’t seem to stop staring at you, sometimes in a creepy manner but sometimes not. It could be a kind old lady or a sweet little kid. But there is always someone.
- The Seat Grabber
After a long ride standing, you finally spot someone getting off a seat. Before you can reach it, out of nowhere someone pushes you out of the way and plants their bottoms on it. Oh, boy. Talk about, lost opportunity.
- The Music Lover
His headphones are plugged in and he is oblivious to the happenings around him. This person simply floats in his own world. The dull beat over the headphones could be just as annoying as the radio speakers blaring with dubbed songs.
- The Sleeper
Ok, a fortunate one, but the person sitting beside, not so much; especially if the sleeper’s head keeps lolling onto their shoulders. You might have to keep nudging the person or keep edging away just to get this guy to not fall asleep on you.
- The Bawling Kid
He knows how to get on your nerves. But the parent neither shuts him up nor apologises to the other passengers. The kid wails, screams, pulls faces and wreaks havoc for some unfathomable reason.
- The Aisle Seat Lover
Perhaps fearful that he or she could miss getting off quickly at their stop, these guys never move to the window seat but expect you to hop over them to get there. By any chance, if you hit them with your bag or step on their feet, the fault is yours alone and you’ll be the recipient of another glorious death stare.
- The Fleeting Crush
A cute guy or an attractive girl may be the highlight of the journey but for your luck, they are either too far away or there is no reason for you to start a conversation with them without making a fool of yourself, should they choose to ignore you. So you just gaze at them discreetly until either of you reaches your destination.
