2016 Sep 4
by Vandana Hiranand
- Oh my god, I can’t believe I actually have the new Harry Potter book in my hands!
- It’s a script, but who cares, still the greatest thing ever.
- Okay time to get started. Awww, it starts right where Deathly Hallows ended!
- When getting onto the platform, Harry tells Albus “it’s best to do it at a run if you’re nervous” – the same thing Molly told him when he was 11. I can’t handle these feels.
- Ron interacting with these little kids has to be the cutest. Don’t ever change, Ron.
- So much foreshadowing about Albus getting sorted into Slytherin.
- You know, Rose actually sounds rather cocky and prejudiced – the worst traits of Hermione and Ron combined.
- A Voldemort nose joke already. Thank you for this gem, JKR.
- IT’S ANOTHER SORTING HAT SONG. *sings loudly*
- Albus sorted into Syltherin. What a shocker (not). Although it is a rather refreshing change of pace.
- Hogwarts really hasn’t changed; it’s still full of bullies.
- So many rapidly shifting scenes in which we see Harry’s relationship with Albus getting worse and, let’s admit it, Scorpius being the most amazing character ever.
- Of course Scorpius’ mum has to die. Why can’t we ever have anything nice?
- This scene between adult Harry and Hermione is giving me all the nostalgic feels. She still berates him about getting work done!
- Hermione as Minister for Magic is the most badass thing ever.
- Why would Harry be off sugar? This makes no sense.
- Huh, did not expect Amos Diggory to be part of this story. What a random character.
- Of course Ron sends his nieces and nephews things like farting gnomes and love potions. I expect nothing less.
- Really, Harry? Giving him the blanket is very touching, but it definitely doesn’t compare to James’ invisibility cloak.
- No wonder Albus has issues.
- Harry, your parenting skills are not exactly the best.
- Great, a creepy dream with Voldemort’s voice. Always a good omen.
- Scorpius really needs to work on his flirting skills.
- The moment you realize Albus really is Harry’s kid: when he’s standing on the roof of the train and has dragged his best friend along with him.
- WHY IS THE TROLLEY WITCH ON THE ROOF?
- Wow, she’s really old.
- HER PUMPKIN PASTIES ARE GRENADES. I’M NOT EVEN JOKING.
- And her hands transform into spikes. This is straight out of a Percy Jackson novel.
- Also, the Marauders and Fred and George all tried to escape the Hogwarts express? I need two more books about this, thanks.
- Hermione being a badass Minister for Magic once again.
- While Draco reverts into his former annoying self.
- Ron Weasley: offering to punch Harry’s enemies since 1991.
- Albus really inherited his father’s willingness to endanger his own life to save people whom he doesn’t even know.
- Huh, they got hold of Polyjuice Potion suspiciously quickly.
- Yes, Scorpius, fish doesn’t agree with me either.
- The Ministry of Magic entrance should really have some detection for Polyjuice Potion by now.
- Hermione is now technically kissing her nephew who looks like her husband. The Wizarding world can be messed up sometimes.
- Great, another creepy Voldemort nightmare.
- Why are they not asking Hagrid for help while searching the Forbidden Forest?
- Centaurs should really learn how to speak without being cryptic. Bane is of no help.
- Also, I think we can all stop and agree that Scorpius is a delightful character.
- Time turning back to the first task is making me very emotional. I miss that dragon.
- Nostalgic conversation between Harry and Dumbledore equals me crying.
- Also, you know you’ve done a bad job naming your kid Albus if Dumbledore himself thinks it was stupid.
- Harry is conducting some excellent parenting once again. (Note the sarcasm).
- Threatening your son is usually not the best move.
- This is obviously an alternate reality, but the Scorpius/Albus breakup is extremely heartbreaking.
- HARRY, LISTEN TO MCGONAGALL.
- Draco and Harry dueling really brings back memories.
- Is anyone else starting to ship Albus and Scorpius?
- These kids really should have read up on time turning before attempting it.
- Ron and Hermione are so cute together even though they’re not married in this universe. Solid proof for all the Romione haters out there.
- Harry, you are way too involved in your son’s friendships.
- Myrtle is still a huge pain.
- I miss her.
- Oh my god, it’s Umbridge. I can already feel the hatred flowing through me.
- It’s a dark alternate reality. I’m so ready for this.
- Scorpius is basically the prom king in this reality.
- Scratch that. Apparently, he’s the Scorpion King. Close enough.
- So the Blood Ball is a thing. Villains really need to get more creative with their names.
- There are Mudbloods screaming in the dungeons. Could this be any creepier?
- Also what in the world is Valour? When did Pokémon teams join the wizarding world?
- *silent sobbing as Ron and Hermione have the Dementors attack them together*
- *more sobbing as Snape sacrifices himself*
- McGonagall finally setting everyone straight is the most satisfying thing ever.
- Picturing her scolding the Minister for Magic is so entertaining.
- Updated number of creepy Voldemort dreams: 3
- Albus and Scorpius BFF moments are now my reason to live.
- Of course Delphi creepily appearing at the Owlery is not suspicious at all. No way.
- She has a sinister tattoo of a black bird. Wow, Albus can be really slow at times.
- Scorpius, you smart thing. I really love Scorpius.
- Hurray for more prophecies, the most dangerous things in the universe.
- The creepiest thing about this is that Delphi can fly.
- And she’s the Daughter of the Dark Lord.
- It does have a nice ring to it.
- Craig is basically the next Cedric. What an unnecessary death.
- Meanwhile, Scorpius is basically a Godric’s Hollow tour guide.
- And to your left you will see St. Jerome’s, the magnificently haunted graveyard…
- Portrait Dumbledore is spouting more wisdom and it is wonderful.
- Also, slightly cheesy. But mainly wonderful.
- Another time turner! I’m not even sure if this is good news anymore.
- Scorpius is so sarcastic and funny. Have I mentioned how much I love Scorpius?
- Albus is finally showing his intelligent side. This is what I’ve been waiting for.
- Yay everyone’s together! It feels like a happy ending.
- Well, except for the fact that the daughter of the Dark Lord is trying to bring him back to life.
- Finally a good Harry and Ginny moment!
- Casually discussing who will transfigure into Voldemort. Just an average Saturday night.
- Harry as Voldemort is wrong on so many levels.
- Harry is watching his parents die. This is undoubtedly the saddest I’ve ever been.
- IT’S HAGRID. HE’S COME TO TAKE HARRY.
- I can’t handle all these emotions right now.
- Scorpius, you clearly love Albus. Pft, stop pretending as if you like Rose.
- Harry is finally learning how to parent.
- And it’s over.
- I think I’m going to clutch this book and cry for the rest of eternity, thanks.
