2017 Oct 30
All Hallows Eve
Of witchcraft and magic
Of ghouls on the prowl
And treating or trick
Long winter night
Of harvest and bonfire
We’re thankful you’re not celebrated
By the Kolamba sanniya!
If you’ve actually bothered to look into the origins of Halloween and this much celebrated phenomenon, even in a South Asian country like ours, 50 Amma points to you! If you haven’t, go educate yourself, fren! It’s actually a very fascinating evolution from age-old European tradition to a holiday more about community and neighborly get-togethers.
But let’s think further, to an alternate universe, where Halloween is a Sri Lankan holiday. Can you imagine how disastrous that would be?
1. Costumes
Let’s start here. If you’ve ever watched Mean Girls, you would be familiar with the iconic “In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it.” Now imagine trying to tell that to Thaththi. Real Jehan R moments right hur. “Where are your clothes? What is this half naked child doing? Go wear something decent!” We’ll never hear the end of it!
Not to mention, Couples Costumes! I mean seriously, what kind of iconic Sri Lankan pairings can couples even try to imitate? A bat and a ball? Pol sambol and roast paan? Gal arakku and bad decisions? Other than the very iconic duo, Malini and Gamini Fonseka, we have very limited options, people!
2. Late Night Gallivanting
Hi, hello, my mother needs me home by sunset, you really think she’ll let me go ring strangers doorbells and ask for candy in the wee hours of the night? Have we not been given the “don’t take candy from strangers” talk even before we knew how to walk?
And then there’s the catcalling. Honey, that stuff happens in the middle of the day to guys AND girls, do you really think the streets of Sri Lanka are an ideal trick or treat spot? We wouldn’t stand a chance!
3. Trick or Treat-ing
And then there’s the wonderful Sri Lankan aunty who – even if Halloween was a norm in our neighbourhoods – would spend all day making pol toffee and put that in our trick or treat baskets. It’s true, our disposable income is at a minimum and who really has the money for fancy Mars Bars but do we really wanna walk kilometres to come home with some bananas and pani walalu at the end of the night? Maybe the Americans and their posh-diabetic candy bars are better off this time of the year.
4. Neighbourhoods
Okay so the great thing about Western countries is that their neighbourhoods are more close-knit. One town would have one school, a couple offices and a set of people you would socialise with. Bring this to a Sri Lankan context where kids all the way from Moratuwa to Kadawatha to Kandy would all attend a school in Colombo. Where is the concept of neighbourhood now! How are we supposed to have fun with our friends AS WELL as our families? DRIVE to the candy?! This completely abolishes the entire purpose of Halloween! So frustrating!
5. Halloween Matchmaking
DID you know that many of the obsolete rituals of Halloween focused on the future instead of the past and the living instead of the dead? One of the main traditions of Halloween included helping young women find their future husbands.
As the rumour goes, in 18th-century Ireland, match-making cook-aunties would bury a ring in their mashed potatoes and the diner who finds it is supposed to find love as well. Imagine our Lankan match-making aunties getting a whiff of this tradition? At the rate they do their kapu-kang, we’d be eating rings for dinner, not potatoes! Thank God people left that tradition back in the 1800s!
So there we have it, folks. We oughta be glad that we only celebrate the leftover remnants of boozy Halloween parties (that are actually just regular parties) and not all the other traditions cause I couldn’t imagine us executing them too delicately. Nevertheless, here’s hoping you have a great Halloween! 
