2016 Jun 12
by Vandana Hiranand
If you live in Colombo, then odds are you have definitely traveled in a Tuk Tuk several, if not a hundred, times. As an experienced Tuk passenger, there are certain types of drivers you will always encounter. After careful scientific analysis of course, this list has been compiled to briefly illustrate the main categories of Tuk drivers each person has undoubtedly encountered in Colombo.
- The Misplaced Mess
In a sentence, this Tuk driver has no idea where he or anything else is. If you have called this Tuk through an app like PickMe, he will take ages to actually reach you, even after the countless phone calls asking ‘Koheda Inne?’ This guy literally cannot navigate his way around Colombo with a map. Even worse, this map literally points out exactly where you are, and he still can’t seem to find you. Instead, you dismally watch his little animated Tuk driving around on your screen, anywhere except close to your location. After he finally picks you up, he will need your reassurance for every turn he takes, leaving you exhausted from saying ‘Dakuna’ and ‘Vama’ repeatedly.
- The Shortcut Fanatic
This particular Tuk driver is generally the one who despises traffic from the very bottom of his soul. Let me describe to you how this ride goes. At the start of the journey he will begin by following the route you described. Eventually, your Tuk runs into some traffic so he makes an impatient remark about it to you. You will awkwardly smile and agree. Then he suggests to you this magical shortcut he knows, which will bypass all the traffic in no time. If you are familiar with this, and determined to stick with your road, you will say no. However, if you’re a novice, you might just say alright. After all, cutting through traffic would be good right? So he takes you through his ‘shortcut’, which is a maze of inner roads with no end in sight. All you hope is that you will end up pretty close to your destination. Sadly, this is rarely the case. Instead you will end up only halfway through, and meanwhile your meter reading is twice as high as it would have been! If you’re lucky, you’ll get the uncommon driver who actually does provide a much better route, but that’s as rare as a unicorn.
- The Fast and Ridiculously Furious
This guy has no idea that he is on the Colombo roads and not on a racetrack with millions of people cheering him on. From the moment you step into his Tuk, you begin to fear for your very life, imagining how your funeral will be held, because you are absolutely convinced that this ride will be the death of you. He will weave his way through traffic, travel against oncoming traffic, speed down a dangerous slope, and perform sudden risky maneuvers. You will start wondering whether you told your family you love them, because you’re clearly not going to get another chance. The upside of this Tuk ride is that you will reach your destination faster than you ever thought was possible. If you’re running late for an exam or meeting, this guy will be your lifeline.
- The Meter-less
From afar, this Tuk Tuk is rather common and ideal. It has the ‘Meter Taxi’ sign either plastered to the front or fixed at the top, clearly giving off the statement that this Tuk actually has a meter. It is only once you get in, about 3 minutes into the journey, that you suddenly realize that his meter is either missing or clearly switched off. He will then provide you with the story of how it is malfunctioning and eventually attempt to charge you an outrageous amount. He may even win the battle if you really don’t have the time to argue. This is why the best possible advice is to always peep into the Tuk, check whether this meter actually exists, and confirm with him by asking ‘Meter da?’ If his meter is malfunctioning, he will evade your question and instead ask you where you want to go. By this point, letting this one go is easily the best option. It is definitely not worth the potential trouble.
- The Polite, Punctual Professional
Of all the types, this is the Tuk guy you pray for, every time you hail a Tuk. He will address you politely, drive rather smoothly and definitely ask you before he randomly turns into a byroad for a shortcut. If you have ordered the Tuk through an app or by calling, he will always be there on time and will patiently wait for you outside, without making too much of a fuss. Basically, this is the ideal Tuk ride you always hope for, so you make sure to be polite to him in return. If you’re lucky, he operates close to your home, so you can definitely expect quite a few of these magical rides.
If you have encountered at least three or more of these types, then congratulations! You are now an experienced Tuk Tuk passenger. You probably know exactly when to avoid those byroads and meter-less terrors, and you definitely always hope for the professional. That is, unless you’re running late for something important, of course. In that case, pray for the Fast one, but grit your teeth because although you reach in time, you have to survive a truly terrifying journey.
