2017 Oct 23
Maybe you’re about to head on a very well-deserved vacation. Or maybe you’re going on a business trip, but your seriously cheap-a** boss sent you in economy class. Whatever your reasons for flying might be, if your flight is more than 4 hours… you know that hell is real.
1. The flight fright
According to Google, you are more likely to die in a car than a plane. The chances of a plane crashing are one in eleven million.Hmm…but Google, what if I am that one??? If you have watched movies like Final Destination, I think you too can relate to this“statistically irrational” fear of mine. And it certainly doesn’t help that Amma, the queen of worriers, insists that we worship all Gods before taking the flight (it’s like she knows death is coming!!). Hence, when the captain turns on the seat belt sign, that’s our cue to start typing our goodbye texts. Word of advice, if you experience turbulence during your flight, look at the air-hostesses. If they’re calm and composed, you can relax too. But if they’re strapping down and crossing their hearts, well… it was nice knowing you!
2. Stuck in the Middle
I think we can all agree that most economy class seats are designed to make you suffer. We get it airline, first class or business class is the way to go. To all those who can’t afford to pay for a fancy seat, I hope it’s a comfort to know that you may survive in an aisle or window seat. But sometimes, perhaps due to a grave sin you committed in a past life, you may end up in the seat that should not be named…. The Middle seat. Let me paint this picture for you. On your left, there is a fidgeting passenger who is a little too big to fit in his seat without taking up some of your space. And to your right, there’s a pervy guy who keeps trying to rest his head on your shoulder (It’s an accident, sure). Let’s check the time; yup another 5 hours more to go. That plane crash is starting to sound better and better right?
3. The sleep deprivation
Compared to countries like UK, Australia or the US, you’d notice that Sri Lanka has so many public holidays. Why? Because we like our sleep! So, it’s no surprise that Lankans detest long distance flights because sleeping on a plane is mission impossible. First off, there is of course the ridiculously uncomfortable seats (Psst, I’ve heard rumours that first class flyers get a seat that transforms into a bed ☹). In addition, we have the passengers who snore loudly enough to defeat your ear phones at maximum volume. Last but not least, most planes tend to be infested with crying, screaming and whining children. Try getting through a long-distance flight with a toddler behind you who kicks your seat with great passion! Don’t worry, the next time you have to fly, take a Piriton and pray that by some miracle you manage to pass out (Warning: I know planes are awful but please don’t overdose on sleeping meds!)
4. The hungry games
I think we can all agree that as Lankans, we know what good food is. After all, we come from the land of string hoppers, cheese kottu and Lankan Chinese fried rice (Yes, there’s a big difference between Chinese food and SL’s Chinese food). So Dear Airline, when you serve a Sri Lankan some cold, lumpy mash potatoes, a soggy omelette and bland chicken, please know that you’re basically sentencing us to starve on a 12 hour flight. If we don’t love our food, we do not swallow! Here’s hoping that whichever airport you’re heading off to has a McDonald’s!
5. The final challenge
So after enduring around 12 hours of agonizing suffering, you’re sleep deprived, your claustrophobia is acting up and you haven’t showered in way too long. Safe to say, all you want to do right now is get into your cosy PJs and take a long, peaceful nap. But sadly, hell has got a few more troubles coming your way. Firstly, you need to summon enough energy to somehow get through the endless line at immigrations. Now’s about the time your Bollywood passion comes screaming out; “My name is Rahul and I’m not terrorist! Just let me through.” Finally, you need to sit around for a couple more minutes for your luggage to arrive. Ever wanted to just grab someone else’s bag that looks similar to yours and run away fast? It’s ok, you’ve been through a lot (Disclaimer: stealing is always bad).
So really, the moral of the story here is, even if it means selling your kidney, even if you have to threaten your boss, just pay for a business class flight or never fly again.
