2018 Jun 26
As someone who has experienced bullying at different stages in my life, it is a subject I take very seriously. However, in the Sri Lankan context where more school kids are bullied compared to the US because parents and teachers believe that it does not have a severe impact on a child’s life and mental health, bullying is yet another topic that is swept under the rug. For those who have experienced bullying at some point in their lives, by means of intimidation, humiliation, exclusion, undermining or public shaming, know how extremely difficult and painful it is. Bullying stabs at a person’s core, shaking their self-esteem, self-confidence, and their worth. It makes them doubt themselves and if they don’t learn how to cope with it, bullying has the ability to haunt them forever.
Despite popular belief, bullying is not restricted to the playground and the classrooms of our gender segregated schools, it is found at workplaces, relationships, and even amongst friends. Boys experience bullying as much as girls do, in various ways. So if this is such a big deal, why don’t Sri Lankan parents, teachers, and everyone else prioritize talking about bullying and helping those who are being bullied? It’s partly the culture we’ve grown up in which gives birth to ideas such as these – don’t talk about your problems, if you do you are shaming your family and your entire ancestral tree or – worse – don’t make big issues out of small things. As a result, the number of those who experience bullying increases day by day and their voices go unheard. This has short to long term consequences depending on each individual including the potential to create more bullies especially out of those who were bullied as children.
Irrespective of your age, those who are bullied are inclined to experience low self-esteem and self-confidence and tend to doubt their abilities and strengths especially if they have been repetitively demoralized by someone close to them, be it a parent, relative or a group of people they want to belong to. It can also lead to anxiety issues, depression and have an impact on you as an adult when you end up with a lot of negativity, self-doubt and the feeling of not being ‘good enough’ hanging over your shoulder.
Over the years, I have managed to repress most of these unfortunate memories, consciously or unconsciously, only for its after effects to be triggered when I’m least prepared to handle its consequences. For a long time I didn’t quite understand why I was plagued with self-doubt and I’m certain that those around me had the same question. They all sang the same praise – you’re smart, beautiful, kind, generous and there are so many who love you and appreciate you for being in their life, so why did I feel that I was not good enough? It took me a long time and I finally realized where my low self-esteem stemmed from – it came from my childhood by constantly being told for years that I was not good enough. I had repressed it for years to a point that I had forgotten all about it and I eventually started believing everything I was told. When I believed, I started acting and behaving like it, taking on someone else’s negative belief as if it was my own. Now that I’m conscious of it, I take extra care to understand my triggers and to be kind to myself and reaffirm my own positive beliefs when I feel at my lowest. No one grows up in this world feeling that they are not good enough unless someone made them believe so.
So now that we know what bullying can do to someone’s self-worth, how can we stop it and help those who experience it cope with it better? It could be your boss, a colleague, a family member, a friend, a significant other or even a spouse. How can we help ourselves when someone demoralizes us by means of name calling, undermining us, testing our competence and commitment to our jobs and isolating us?
- Don’t blame yourself
Most often people who are bullied might take on the blame thinking that they are at fault for being treated like this, that they may have done something to trigger such behaviour by someone else. That is totally untrue! Whatever you do or did, you did not ask to be bullied, to be excluded and overtly criticized. Always remind yourself, it’s not you it’s them.
- Set boundaries
Make sure the bully understands what is okay with you and what is not and learn how to communicate it clearly when you feel you are being bullied in anyway whether its name calling or a joke at your expense that you are not comfortable with. Use simple and direct language and let them know it is not appropriate or acceptable preferably in a public setting so that they will not repeat it again.
- Be confident and assertive
Deep down all bullies are insecure, so if you speak and act confidently and show that you cannot be messed with, they will notice your body language and that you cannot be victimised. Make sure to use simple and unemotional language teamed up with strong body language which will reaffirm that you are not to be messed with.
- Correct the bully
Call them out if the bully calls you names or jokes about you in an uncomfortable way. Don’t respond out of anger! Stay calm and tell them simply that you do not like to be called by that particular name or that you don’t find that joke funny. Don’t make a joke out of it and show the bully that you are standing up for yourself so that he understands you will not be subjected to his bullying in the future.
- Do not let the bully get under your skin
As hard as it is, try not to let the bully get under your skin. Some enjoy the reaction more than the bullying itself, so try your best to stay calm and collected. By showing the bully that his behaviour does not have an impact on you, you simply take away that satisfaction from him or her. If you practice the affirmation that your bully has no impact on you, you will eventually realize that your bully is in fact scared and insecure and uses bullying to compensate for his weaknesses.
- Stay connected
It’s hard when you have to deal with a bully on a regular basis. Despite the confident exterior you exhibit, there are times the bullying will get to you and you will start to doubt yourself and suffer in silence. In times like these, turn to friends and loved ones, who might be able to shed new light to the situation and help you deal with things better. They might not be able to solve it for you, but knowing that you have someone to talk to and understands what you’re going through might help you deal with it better.
- Get out
If things don’t improve after a reasonable amount of time and you feel that things are only going to get worse. It’s then best to remove yourself from the toxic environment. If you have already brought this up with an authoritative figure in the company, your friend or significant other, and the situation hasn’t improved it’s best to assume that it might never will. Most companies don’t take bullying seriously, because those who bully are generally in top positions so if you feel that nothing much is going to change, it’s best to look elsewhere. Because even if the job might be great, your sanity, mental health and overall happiness is far more important in the long run.
