2018 May 21
In Sri Lankan society, IQ plays a huge role. Everyone wants to know how smart you are and parents want to brag to other parents how ‘smart’ their kids are. They compare their child’s term exam results very candidly over dinner parties with neighbours and family, and subtly (or not so subtly) diss kids who don’t live up to their expectations blaming the child or his parents. But how many of them know and talk about Emotional Intelligence with the same regard? Sadly almost none.
According to our favourite resource – Wikipedia – Emotional Intelligence (EI or EQ) is the ability to recognize one’s own as well as other people’s emotions, identify the differences of these emotions and use emotional information to guide your thinking and behaviour.
So why is it important that Sri Lankans need to know more about Emotional Intelligence and how can it change our lives?
Although not a new concept, more people around the world are beginning to recognize the importance of emotional intelligence and how it can improve our quality of life and relationships with our families, partners, friends and society as a whole. Emotional intelligence is developed from early childhood where children learn to identify basic emotions which they observe around people close to them. Over the years, this helps them develop the capacity to gradually identify their own emotional states and how to use it in their day-to-day relationships with people.
There are several factors that influence the development of emotional intelligence in children out of which one of the key role is played by parents and how they express and regulate their emotions at home. No matter how small you may think your child is, they have the intelligence and observation skills to pick up on how you express your emotions around them. Most often the behaviour they showcase as they get older is what they have seen as children and which they believe to be perfectly alright because they have seen you do it.
Emotional intelligence is also developed through reading, watching cartoons and movies, and playing games where children are able to identify with characters in fictional work. The foundation of understanding and developing empathy and sensitivity to emotions and feelings expressed by these characters are laid down at this crucial stage of growth. After home, school plays the next major role in developing a child’s EI and teaching them how to understand their emotions and feelings and how it can help them make friends and resolve quarrels. Sadly in most Sri Lankan schools, emotional intelligence is never discussed and kids are not taught about the importance of this subject which has the ability to define what kind of adults they will turn into in the next 15 years. Our education system focuses so much on testing a child’s IQ through examinations year after year but doesn’t make room for social skills which include managing relationships and conflicts which play a pivotal role in your life when you start working and learning to navigate life’s challenges.
This could be the reason why many of us struggle to steer through life right after school. Not only are we expected to know what exactly we want with our lives, we are also expected to join the workforce with barely any idea of who we are. So in order to please our family, we take on things that we don’t quite like – be it a degree or job, because we are unaware of how to communicate our feelings and needs without coming across as either a failure or letting them down. Within months, our unhappiness and resentment builds within, we are miserable because we are stuck doing things we don’t enjoy, we are angry most of the time and the slightest thing can set us off. This starts to affect your relationships with people whether it’s romantic or platonic. If you’re a girl, you end up bitching about it to your friends constantly and while this helps you let out steam this could turn into a vicious cycle if they too are experiencing similar problems in their life. Before you know it you might be spending much of your time venting and blaming instead of taking responsibility for your behaviour and making an active effort to change your life. If you’re a guy, you believe that men don’t discuss things like resentment, unhappiness, shame, guilt, anger and feelings so you repress it with alcohol, cigarettes and anything else you can get your hands on. You blame your family, job, and society for not doing its part to accommodate you and your needs while being ignorant to the fact that your behaviour, attitude and lack of communicating your own needs and desires may have brought you to this position.
While both genders maybe equally unaware of the importance of emotional intelligence in Sri Lanka, women tend to be better equipped with coping in difficult situations as they are more vocal and tend to rely on their friends and family in hard times. It also helps that women are not ashamed of enjoying the benefits of a good cry session to let off steam and to feel better. Unfortunately for men, due to perceived archaic notions like ‘men don’t talk about feelings or problems’, ‘take it like a man’, ‘don’t be a girl about it’ and other various ideas that (are also demeaning to girls), men tend to suffer more in silence. Unable to communicate their emotions and needs, they isolate themselves and are more vulnerable to addiction and depression as a result.
As the world starts to recognize this as a serious problem affecting men from every country across different ages, more men are taking the stage to address the importance of emotional intelligence, talking about what they are going through and seeking help if necessary. Rapper and hip hop mogul, Jay-Z who is currently worth $900 million, in a recent interview talked about his life, marriage and cheating allegations. During his interview, he admitted that not knowing how to come to terms with difficult emotions and shutting down emotionally as a result had caused him a lot of pain and affected his life and marriage negatively. After seeking help and going for therapy, Jay-Z was able to understand what he was going through and why he was experiencing those emotions. He was able to turn his life around by identifying his emotions, understanding its patterns and that all emotions are connected. He encouraged people and men in particular to talk about their emotions and emphasized the importance of developing emotional intelligence. As it not only helps you manage your own emotions but also gives you the wisdom to show empathy towards those who are struggling with their lives and emotions and who often project it on you unknowingly.
