2016 Oct 13
by Yasonil Piyatissa
Some of us out there think Donald J. Trump would be one heck of a President! Others: not really. But, knowing how some of us Sri Lankans are, I hovered over the thought: what would the country come to if Donald Trump was Sri Lankan?
- The whole of the Nation would be sporting the hideous Trump hairdo.
The Lankan’s are well known for their love of bleached hair and also their unexplainable desire to mimic a trending star’s current look. Whether it be Lasith Malinga’s golden Afro or Anarkali’s way too blonde hair, we Lankans love to try it out ourselves. Thus, Donald Trump’s measly puffed up strands of blonde is basically early Christmas for the those who would go to the ends of the Earth to dye their hair a colour that simply does not compliment the Asian skin tone and also for those who think they look absolutely stunning in a damaged kossa (broom) head hairdo.
- He will be the “Aney, ara TV eke innamahaththayanedha?”
As the main judge on Singing Superstar, Trump will be known by many as the salivating judge who is constantly eyeing the young female participants. If you’re a man or a woman that doesn’t look desirable to Trump but sounds like Beyoncé, then you probably don’t have a chance at even coming close to being the winner. But, if you look like Beyoncé, have no principles in life and sound like Rebecca Black then you’ve practically already won. (Yes, I’m still speaking of a singing competition.)
- For the above reason he will also win a Presidential Election.
If recent history has taught us anything it is that Sri Lankans do not take their voting rights seriously. Nobody does any real research on the candidate – we all just vote for the person everyone else say’s they will be voting for. Trump, being a familiar face that has been entertaining us on local reality TV shows while being a permanent meme on any social media portal, will be guaranteed our votes. This is due to the fact that when we enter the voting booth and realize that we have only heard the name of just one candidate and know nothing else about any of the other options we have no choice but to pick the one we are at least barely familiar with. And anyway, didn’t allapugedara Latha say she was voting for the Mahatthaya on the TV as well?
- He would be the pioneer of the ‘Ah, Nangi Perverts Group’ (ANPG)
A recent video clip and many other incidents displaying Trump’s idea on women clearly shows that he will be well suited to head the group of delusional young men that believe that women are simply objects that they can exploit in order to satisfy their own disgusting needs. While it is obvious to any sensible human being that Donald Trump cannot lead a country he is, however, the best misogynistic candidate to head the ANPG. Who better than the very man who barged into the dressing room of the nude Miss Universe pageant contestants as he pathetically assumed that it was his “obligation” to enter as the owner of the pageant. No one does unwelcome googling like us Lankan’s… And then the thought of also adding Trump to the mix is simply repulsive.
- There’s sure to be another 30-year war!
While there are so many terrifying things that could happen if Trump was Sri Lankan this is undoubtedly the worst. All we need is a single racist speech by him to trigger another futile Nationwide drama such as the BBS uproar. But on the other hand, maybe us Sri Lankans won’t even notice our very own racial issues because we may be too busy being distracted by a racist fool in the USA instead. But do not fret, even if we don’t realise our own problems at least some outsider from the UNO will be more than ready to point it out to us, right?
But thankfully Trump isn’t Sri Lankan. So, let us end tonight’s prayer with a “God bless the USA!”
