2016 Nov 10
by Yasonil Piyatissa
As Sri Lanka has experienced some monumental political moments of its own, we Lankans are more than qualified to offer advice to the Americans who will soon be “great again”. Whether it be some slipper throwing at the parliament or starting a shooting match in Mulleriyawa, we know how to handle any situation like real civilized pros.
Hence dear citizens of the USA, pull out your pen and paper: It’s time to take down some notes.
1. Grab your dancing shoes and do the Devil Dance.
If you were eagerly awaiting the moment to do the victory dance but ended up being utterly disappointed, do not fret! There can still be some dancing… Except this time it will be at a Thovilaya. Simply call up the Yakadura and beg him to ward the misogynistic, racist and narcissistic evil spirits off your new leader. Maybe it’ll actually help him be less of a sociopath?
2. Build the wall–It’s the cheaper alternative
Trump or Hilary: you were doomed either way. For this reason there is no doubt that the majority of the American population had already planned to drink their sorrows away. However, from a Sri Lankan perspective, Trump’s victory simply could not have come at a better time! What with this new tax on alcohol and tobacco, building a wall is far more economical than having a small shot, men. Who wants to sell a lung to buy a cigarette without even being able to destroy it with toxic fumes first? Nonsense.
3. Book a ticket to Sri Lanka
Been waiting for an excuse to escape from your hectic schedule and relax on an exotic island? Well, what better reason than the need to run away from an extremist ruler. You don’t even need a visa, our immigration website won’t crash and because the Sri Lankan currency is so excruciatingly weak your dollars will have you swimming in money! So many pros and zero cons; Except for the rare occurrence where each time you step out onto the road a local will blatantly point and say “Anna machchang, suddhek!”
4. This one’s especially for President Trump himself
I’m hoping at a certain point in time you’ll understand how delusional and extremely regressive some of your proposed policies are. Once that day arrives and you realize what a colossal mess you have made, make sure you do not panic under any circumstance. It is in such moments that you must make an example of our own Lankan President and merely say you were overseas while America was falling apart. I mean, who could hold a President responsible for the situation in his own country when he’s on holiday, right?
I truly hope you take our advice into consideration, America. It is the least we could do in comparison to the hearty doses of entertainment you’ve provided us these past few months. Thank you for distracting us from how ridiculous our own country is for a change.
